I went over the landmark's commission proposal.
I read James' speech on the waterfront restoration.
Oh, and next Tuesday the entire city is celebrating Abe lensner day.
You played poker with Abe again last night, didn't you?
I thought he was bluffing!
Sir, we had this discussion last month
when we lit the giant Christmas tree... At Abe-e-feller center.
Aw, come on, Mike. I enjoy playing poker with the guys.
It's not as if I have anything else to do on my time off.
On that note, I, uh...
Found this when I was accidentally...
Rifling through your desk.
"Divorced male seeks special lady for romance."
Sir, you... you can't submit a personal ad.
Oh, you think that's me?
"6' 4", salt-and-pepper hair."
(SNIFFS)
"Mayor of New York."
Reminder... Thursday night is the mayor's annual bachelor auction
for central park preservation.
I've already laid down the law with Claudia.
For the right price, any woman can have me.
Last year, wasn't the right price $35?
Yep.
Paid by Claudia?
You got it.
And I'll tell ya something, Mike...
you know what? If you tell me you earned every penny,
I'll vomit.
Now, regarding our quality of life campaign...
Having police on horseback crack down on people
who don't clean up after their dogs
might not have been the best idea.
It's really making mountains out of molehills.
Now, what we need is an idea that will improve the quality of life
for every new yorker.
Subways made of chocolate!
Skimpier uniforms for firemen.
Hear, hear!
I need a bathroom.
Whoa, whoa... Say that again.
Subways made of chocolate.
No, no, no.
The parks department designed that new
state-of-the-art high tech bathroom for central park.
Commissioner Hamilton, he designed it, he raised the funds for it.
Hell, the man dedicated the last 4 years of his life to it.
Wouldn't be right for us to steal it.
Sure, it would. Good point.
You really turned me around on this one.
Here it is, Mr. mayor...
The Randall Winston bathroom of the future.
Well, give me the tour!
All right. For starters,
vacant stalls open automatically.
Which makes this move...
A thing of the past.
Beam me up, Mike.
All the toilet paper is recycled...
Which, when you think about it, is kinda gross.
These toilets understand flush in 15 languages.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN WORD)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(ANOTHER FOREIGN WORD)
(FLUSH)
(JAPANESE WORD)
(SILENCE)
Oh, no, it's, uh...
It's pronounced... (DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATION)
(FLUSH)
I once dated a Japanese plumber.
Please don't bring up dating.
I'm so alone.
Mr. mayor, I would be glad to help you out
with some dating advice.
I appreciate that, Carter, but when it comes to dating,
I'm savvier than you think.
I do not need a wing nut.
You mean wing man, sir.
Well, whatever. I'm gonna take the car back to the mansion.
Another night by myself.
Oh, you know, my apartment is on the way.
Really? I didn't know that.
See you tomorrow.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE WORD)
(FLUSH)
Good morning.
Morning.
You know, I just realized something.
At last year's bachelor auction,
I sold for $24 a pound.
That's more than lobster, baby.
Someone's getting a little big-headed.
I'm sorry, did you say something, day-old catfish?
I was just thinking that maybe, uh, somebody here could beat you.
And who would that be?
I don't know.
Me.
Well, that's a bold challenge
for a guy who last year went for 2 subway tokens
and a bag of beef jerky.
You know, what? I'm, uh... I'm not afraid of you, Mike.
(VOICE CRACKS) Bring it on.
Ah! Aaah!
Mike.
You see that reporter over there, Nina Lawrence?
She's attractive, she's funny.
She always has smart questions.
You know, I've never tried to pick up anyone
in a public toilet before.
Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon.
And welcome to the next step
in our quality of life campaign.
This toilet represents everything
the Winston administration stands for.
Sir.
Thank you, Paul.
I would just simply like to dedicate this public facility
to all new yorkers, black and white,
young and old...
What about...
Large and small?
Well, I assume you're speaking on behalf of the fa... uh...
I looked in your stalls.
Past the space age doors,
the walls are so narrow, I can't even get to the toilet.
S-sir, don't you think you're exaggerating
just a little bit?
(GRUNTS)
Now what do you have to say?
I think we'd better call in the jaws of life.
I can't believe I let the guy ambush me.
Yeah. You think you would've seen him comin'.
Just watch what you say, ok?
'Cause I can't afford to give him any more ammo.
I been in politics over 15 years. Do you really think
I can't sit through a meeting with some overweight people without making a...
Mike. I believe you know Ken Payson.
I represent the league of large new yorkers.
You don't say.
We have a list of demands.
Mr. Flaherty...
Our organization is hungry for some action.
Actually... Stuart.
Sorry.
Larger subway seats. Bigger bus doors.
Mr. Payson, you have to appreciate how many people we have to please.
Take the preservationists...
they wanna limit human access to central park.
The rollerbladers wanna pave the whole thing over.
The nudists just want another petting zoo.
And I don't think they mean it in the traditional sense.
You can't just brush us aside, Mr. Flaherty.
Our group represents over 12% of New York's voting population.
We have enormous assets!
I gotta go.
You know, sir, before I was married, I was quite the don Juan.
More like don knotts.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
She wants me.
Anyway...
When it comes to picking up birds, Paul lassiter read the book.
You mean wrote the book, don't you?
No, sir. No, sir, I read the book.
You see, when I was 12, my mother had a copy of our bodies, ourselves
in her closet.
I'm telling you, it's like a treasure map!
You were a lonely boy, weren't you, Paul?
Oh, sir, you have no idea. Anyway,
when you're approaching a woman, the first thing you wanna do...
I don't believe this!
You went to Paul for advice?
Carter, you're gay.
Sir, he's Paul.
He got you there.
Stuart, security called. Your sister's downstairs.
Great!
We're goin' to lunch.
Wait, your sister's downstairs.
Bring her up. We wanna meet her.
Just imagine me in a dress, ok?
Not you.
Yeah, Stuart,
you in a dress! That's my dream guy!
Hey, how you doing?
All right, James. I've decided I'm gonna help you beat Mike.
I don't need your help.
Come on. Let me see how you're gonna walk down the runway.
Yes. You want a runway walk?
Pretty good, huh?
Yeah!
Now do it again...
And this time like a guy.
You'll hear from us in the papers.
Wait. G-guys, come back.
Please...
I'm sorry, I can't meet all these demands.
If you understood what we go through every day,
I think you'd see things differently.
If I could walk a mile in your shoes, believe me, I would.
I just... you know, I can't gain 200 pounds over night!
(BAD TO THE BONE PLAYS)
Stuart, it's been 3 days. How come we haven't seen your sister?
Hey, gomer,
this isn't Wisconsin.
Every time a relative comes to town,
we don't parade them down main street riding a pig.
Stuart, that is so 1980s.
(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, RUSTLING MATERIAL)
Do you guys hear that sound?
Yeah, what is that?
Corduroy.
Mike, are you really gonna wear that all day?
That was the deal to keep this thing outta the papers.
I still say we could've handled this whole situation with cookie dough.
They figure if I wear this for 8 hours,
I'll achieve some new level of sensitivity.
I'll bet after sex...
You roll over and smoke a ham!
That's funny.
Anybody else?
Uh, Mike, have you seen Stacy's shoes?
No.
Really? Neither has she!
Wait. I told that wrong.
I need to make a mature decision here,
and since there still seems to be some disagreement
over the rock, paper, scissors, game...
I still don't understand why paper beats rock.
It just does.
Tell you what, Paul.
You bring a piece of paper, I'll bring a rock,
and I'll meet ya in the playground.
I'm just explaining the rules!
Gentlemen, gentlemen! Talk is cheap.
Show me your stuff.
I'll go first.
Well...
Ah...
It's already happening.
It's all in the eye contact.
Takes about 10, 15 minutes,
and then she usually says, "hey...
What's your problem?"
Oh, my God.
Ah, ah, ah, ah. Did you see that? Huh, huh, huh?
She's already uncomfortable.
Oh, I may boat this marlin sooner than I thought.
Excuse me. I'm gonna try a more radical approach.
Hello.
Oh, sugar, he's right in my eyeline.
Paul, I'm gonna go with Carter on this.
But the next time I wanna stalk someone... Tch. You're my guy.
You know, she's just using you to get to me.
No. She's using me to get away from you.
Somebody bring me a pen!
Here you go.
Thank you.
So, uh, Nik,
you bringing, uh, Arthur to the bachelor auction?
No. He's still in Paris.
Ah. Paris.
Paree.
Lots of pretty girls in Paris.
You know, with their, uh, short skirts
and their, uh... No bras.
Are you, um, going anywhere with this, Mike?
Yeah, Nikki...
Look, I know things got a little messy last week,
but, uh...
What... what about you and me?
A-are we going anywhere?
I mean... Do I have a shot?
Mike, this is too weird!
Wait. Nik, Nik,
Nikki, listen.
♪
Hey, you got mail.
Ja-ames!
Look at you!
You look amazing.
Really?
Yeah!
Doesn't he, janelle?
I could eat him up.
You guys really notice a difference?
Mm-mm!
Wait... Did I just moan?
Yes, Stacy.
Yes, you did.
You play with a man's ego, you're playing with fire.
So I boost a man's ego a little bit.
A guy gets a little cocky, what's the worst thing that could happen?
I wish the bathroom had 2 mirrors.
It's hard to see how hot my butt is.
Hey, Mike.
Whoa!
Did you eat that whole bag?
Uh-huh.
You know the funny part?
I wasn't even hungry.
I just looked in the mirror, and I figured...
What the hell?
Well, we're late for the bachelor auction.
Oh, hey! It's 6:00. Great. I'm free.
Ok. Here. Undo my zipper.
You know, being this big wasn't so bad.
When I walk through a crowd, it's like Moses parting the red sea.
And suddenly you understand what it's like to be overweight?
I'm wearing women's underwear right now.
That doesn't make me a feminist.
It's, uh...
Something that dierdre makes me do on wednesdays.
It's Thursday, Stu.
Let's not change the subject, ok?
It's not a thong, is it?
You don't know anything about the rejection
that heavy people deal with or the humiliation or the embarrassment.
Oh, and you do.
Well... My sister does.
She's not so, uh...
Whoa! Here's the other half.
Wow, she is...
She has to go through life like that.
And you... You didn't even leave the office.
I don't think you understand anything.
Where are my chips? My chips understand me.
Carter, Nina's here.
This is my big moment.
Now, what have you got for me?
Ok... Just be yourself.
What kind of cheapo fortune cookie sentiment is that?
Mr. mayor, if there's somebody out there you want,
she's yours.
You just gotta go out there... And take it!
Take it!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Though it's not in your program,
I have decided to declare myself
the first bachelor up for auction tonight.
All right, now, do I hear $100?
$500!
Ok.
Yes, do I hear $600?
Yes, $600 from the lady in the back
with the red hair.
Do I hear $700?
$1,000.
Damn.
Damn, that sure is a lotta money!
What's that, $1,100
again from the lady in the back?
Boy, that's sure gonna be hard to beat.
I can't imagine seeing $1,200,
what with so many women wanting to save money for bingo!
$1,500!
And there it is.
Carter, go tell Nina whatever she has to bid, I'll pay.
Ok, now!
Uh...
What do I hear? Do I hear...
$2,000!
Oh, dear.
Come on, now. Let me see that spin move again.
Wow! Ooh!
Ok, now you're teasing me.
This is ridiculous.
LA-dies, please!
There's plenty of Uncle James to go around, huh?
James, she was trying to boost your confidence.
What?
You don't need someone blowing smoke at you.
You believe in yourself, don't you?
No, not much.
James... Look at me.
You can do this.
I can, can't I?
Well, ladies,
the next bachelor is my speech writer,
James hobert!
Go get 'em, tiger. (APPLAUSE)
Ladies, here comes the love train!
Hoo-aah!
Ok, ok.
The next hot bachelor on the auction block
is our own deputy mayor, Michael Flaherty!
Now, Michael is a self-described workout fanatic
who enjoys tennis and kick-boxing.
Go on, Mike, show 'em what you got.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
Let the bidding begin!
You know...
These extra layers may protect me from the cold,
but they won't protect me from the coldness of your hearts.
Now, inside, underneath all this,
I'm a warm, caring, wonderful person,
so... Let's try this again.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
Let the bidding begin!
You people suck.
I have to warn you.
I'm a little out of practice when it comes to dating.
Don't worry, I'm already impressed.
Well, just you wait. You know I live in a mansion.
Very funny.
Well, should we head off to the restaurant?
Sure.
You know... I... I have to tell you.
Spending $2,400 just to spend an evening with me...
It's an incredible gesture.
No, no, nothing could ruin the romance of this moment.
Oh, good, 'cause I was worried it would make you feel like prostitute.
Shall we?
Well, it's done.
I just told Ken we were renovating
all the facilities at the park.
Hey. This is my sister, Lynn.
Hi.
That picture...
Came from a magazine.
I don't know who that was.
Is there a reason why you would do this to me?
Did you not strut down a runway
in a 300-pound fat suit?
Yeah.
Then I don't understand the question.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.